...and all these fuckers who think they're so fucking on fucking top because they once noticed that an 808 sounds kinda rad after a few shots of Jack Daniels, right, they'll tell you it's all about Ray of Light, right? Ray of Light, testament to her fucken fucking brilliance, sum total of western fucken fucking experience, right? Right, well, no, fucking wrong, because Ray of Light is Exile's "Kiss You All Over" redone by Walter Murphy, who you remember as the "Fifth of Beethoven" guy! EMINEM: I thought that was KC and the Sunshine Band. Would you untie this shit please? My wrists hurt. AXL: I will never...
[30 seconds of static]
...second place, KC couldn't keep his voice off a track for longer than three minutes, anywhere, ever, please point out to me any KC track where he does not personally shepherd you through the song, this is why KC got rich and Walter Murphy lives in my fucking basement where he will eventually fucking die. EMINEM: I don't mean to be disrespectful man but you are losing me.
[90 seconds of silence]
AXL: You want some water? EMINEM: I would fucking love some water.
[nine minutes of silence]
AXL: Here, open up.
[sound of drinking]
EMINEM: Jesus, OK, thanks for that, I am parched. AXL: So yeah. You're from Detroit, you know Madonna. EMINEM: I do not personally know Madonna. AXL: Are you baiting me? What I mean is, you know Madonna. She is your mother, and my mother, and the mother of us all. And you know the people. The people of Detroit. And so, my friend, because I can't leave this building, and because someone has to tell somebody something, you have got to tell the people. Tell them. Tell them that Madonna jumped the shark after "True Blue." EMINEM: I think people can't move have moved on, Axl, I wanna gotta be honest with you. I think you're the last guy worrying about this. AXL: Me and all the critics!
[turmoil, loss of signal]

B: THE KOANS OF W. AXL ROSE, VERSO 1

1.1.1
Axl (turning radio up): You like this one?
Eminem: What is that, Li'l Jon and the East Side Boys? Naw, I hate that shit. I know, I'm me, I'm supposed to love anything that grates on you but Jesus that's just so...ugh.
Axl (turning radio up): I know, me too. That's why I gotta play it louder.

1.1.2
Eminem: I can't...I just can't fuckin' believe...I mean, I've been here for weeks! I hope when my time comes I don't go this totally fucking crazy.
Axl: It's a long way to the top!

1.1.3
Axl: You may hear a still small voice within you, as the Psalmist would put it. And you may hear people always tellin' you to fuckin' always listen to that fucking still, small voice. And you may see books in airport bookstores that are totally devoted to the subject of the fuckin' still small goddamn voice. From Psalms I think. Psalms in the Bible. But son of mine, when you feel the urge to buy volume fifteen in the Chicken Soup series, infuriatingly entitled Chicken Soup for the Still Small Voice, I want you to ask yourself a question. And when you have remembered this question, I want you to put your debit card back in your wallet and walk quickly toward the nearest exit in that airport bookstore. Do you know what that question is? EMINEM: No. I...Jesus, man. I...am I gonna have to die down here? No, I don't know what the question is. AXL: The question is: What's in it for the still, small voice?

1.1.4
Axl: You know, I was the most famous rock star on the planet for at least three solid years. And do you know why I am now a footnote remembered only by aging Camaro-drivers and the morbidly curious, and why I am the subject of high-odds propositions at off-strip casinos that cater strictly to rubes? Do you know why I will do whatever is in my power to not release my next album, which by the way will be out sometime in late spring of this year?
Eminem: Why?
Axl: Because I was the most famous rock star on the planet for at least three solid years.

1.1.5
Eminem: Are we done?
Axl: Done?
Eminem: Done, you know, like I figure you want to "teach" me something or something.
Axl: No, no, I'm just lonely.

GLOSS: Scholars have long puzzled over the inclusion of this exchange in the Koans, as it lacks the aphoristic quality that characterizes the form. Former Ozzy Osbourne guitarist Jake E. Lee, in his two-volume Blindness, Insight, and Blindness: On the Oedipo-Critical Condition, describes 1.1.5 as "emptied of ulterior motives or meaning," hence perhaps more truly a koan than any of the others, but this is sophistry. In all likelihood, 1.1.5 remains from some earlier kidnapping-and-cannibalism folklore tradition, though no single source as of yet has been definitively cited; analogues abound, however, as for example "Bing Crosby Roasts and Eats Marc Bolan" in Vance Randolph's Pissing On George Shearing: Celebrity Folklore of Appalachia.