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657807 Posts in 9259 Topics by 3396 Members Latest Member: - vlozan86 Most online today: 68 - most online ever: 494 (Jul 01, 2007, 02:59:53 PM)
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Author Topic: "my house", except it's not a house, it's a flat  (Read 1867 times)
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Debaser
Registered user

Posts: 122


« on: May 24, 2005, 06:17:28 AM »

hi kids!

i have like, not enough posts here for anyone to know me, so it doesn't matter who i am. Anyway, i felt like writing a little rant here, concerning home.

i don't think i know what home is anymore.
this is mildly frustrating, but also very intriguing, in it's own romantic sense of the concept sort of way.

so, ok. i am a 19 year old Oslo kid that has too much drugs, places, love and people to go through and subsequently did this during the last week. Out of the last 7 nights, i've slept 2 of them. And as some time has been spent on beds or couches, it's been a different one every time. I've been all over Oslo and a few neighbouring cities, i've been all over Bergen as well, which is 500 km's and a lot of mountains apart, fueled and fucked by amphetamine or LSD (not at the same time, mind you). As whatever happened with this is a totally different story, but it resulted in me stumbling up the two staircases and into the door of the apartment that i've always lived in, fell onto my bed - and totally lacked the comforting feeling.

This has never happened to me before. Given, i live with my parents and family of 5 and all, but i still always had the "ah, home again" feeling whenever, if it was just coming home from work or from a weeklong cross-country binge. y'know, falling over and fainting in the comfort of what you can call home.
Seemingly, my absence and detachment from all this simply left my brain from feeling any sort of "home comfort" feeling thing - even in the place where i grew up. Sure, i felt welcome, and familiar, but i lacked the comfort of HOME - a place where one can fall asleep safely and comfortably and silently - this was just like any other friend's or lover's bed.

Now, this happened on sunday, but i still have that feeling, so, uh, it's not just the drugs talking, haha. Come to think of it i'm quite ok with it, but it just fascinates me how i suddenly became a nomad-of-nature or something. OH, SWEET FATE, AM I FOREVER DOOMED TO ROAM THE WORLD AND THE BEDS OF VARIOUS AQUAINTANCES? probably not. but i've come to asking myself, and asking you guys as well - what is the criteria for something becoming your home? say, if you move into somewhere new, is there something you need to have there in order to get that comfort of home thing going? is there a test, or an excercise i don't know of?

or am i just being paranoid?
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coldforge
Registered user

Posts: 11924


« Reply #1 on: May 24, 2005, 06:21:37 AM »

black metal.





sorry, i zoned out at 'Oslo'.
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l'era del terzo mondo.
Debaser
Registered user

Posts: 122


« Reply #2 on: May 24, 2005, 06:29:36 AM »

Quote from: "coldforge"
black metal.





sorry, i zoned out at 'Oslo'.


people keep doing that!  
Norway needs to undergo a collective name change to avoid such reactions
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alexandra
Registered user

Posts: 7054


« Reply #3 on: May 24, 2005, 06:30:13 AM »

i spent much of my late teens/early twenties hunting for the same feeling. los angeles, new york, chicago, san francisco, portland, sacramento, miami, hawaii, san diego... etc. the thing is, all the places are the same. different buildings, different people but seriously the same. i wouldn't consider any of them "home". i think it's a feeling of being unsettled. wanting to hunt an adventure, not feeling satisfied with yourself or your own means. we chose to say it's the place we're in, but it's really our own skin. a place for me always becomes "home" when i decide to leave it to move to another city. so i have to ask myself, do i find too much comfort in leaving? obviously, i do.

the thing is the cliche is right, home is where ever you make it. nothing will feel like home until you let it, until you decide that it is your home. you can search forever, but the thing is it's always going to be right in front of you.
home is home is home.

fuck it. live wherever you want, but that feeling is selfinduced.
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this message is now diamonds
Debaser
Registered user

Posts: 122


« Reply #4 on: May 24, 2005, 06:40:43 AM »

Quote from: "alexandra"
i spent much of my late teens/early twenties hunting for the same feeling. los angeles, new york, chicago, san francisco, portland, sacramento, miami, hawaii, san diego... etc. the thing is, all the places are the same. different buildings, different people but seriously the same. i wouldn't consider any of them "home". i think it's a feeling of being unsettled. wanting to hunt an adventure, not feeling satisfied with yourself or your own means. we chose to say it's the place we're in, but it's really our own skin. a place for me always becomes "home" when i decide to leave it to move to another city. so i have to ask myself, do i find too much comfort in leaving? obviously, i do.

the thing is the cliche is right, home is where ever you make it. nothing will feel like home until you let it, until you decide that it is your home. you can search forever, but the thing is it's always going to be right in front of you.
home is home is home.

fuck it. live wherever you want, but that feeling is selfinduced.


that is a good point! and a comfort to hear, really. In essence, i am optimistic and happy with myself, so maybe there's where i have to find my comfort. I just got very confused when expecting to come HOME, and didn't.

Thanks for that!
i'll have to go practice meditating.
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Andrew_TSKS
Registered user

Posts: 39426


« Reply #5 on: May 24, 2005, 11:45:23 AM »

yeah, for me, anyplace can feel like home if it's where my stuff is, or where i feel comfortable, or both. i think that kind of perception is really all in your mind, and has a lot more to do with how happy you are with where you are and where you're going in life than any particular place.
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I just want to be myself and I want you to love me for who I am.
infiniteecho
Registered user

Posts: 45


« Reply #6 on: May 24, 2005, 11:56:45 AM »

It's odd, because now I totally feel that way about my school.  So this year I've been taking off has been strange, because, despite living at 'home'. I feel homesick for this place that I really haven't lived for very long, and won't stay for very long once I get back.
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-----
-Chris

Chinashop Riot!
Lucy
Registered user

Posts: 4280


« Reply #7 on: May 24, 2005, 11:58:23 AM »

this thread feels a lot like garden state to me
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swilkes
Registered user

Posts: 1032


« Reply #8 on: May 24, 2005, 01:44:05 PM »

Debaser, I'm sorry I've got no answers for you, since I've moved almost once a year for nine years now (first four were moving from dorm to dorm in college, OK, but still, different beds), but I just want to say that this thing on your webpage totally rules. Thank you!
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milly balgeary
Registered user

Posts: 11512


« Reply #9 on: May 24, 2005, 01:50:25 PM »

sounds like it is the drugs talking.
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Debaser
Registered user

Posts: 122


« Reply #10 on: May 26, 2005, 03:19:58 AM »

Quote from: "Lucy"
this thread feels a lot like garden state to me


i'm not as cheesy.
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Ignatius
Registered user

Posts: 7082


« Reply #11 on: May 26, 2005, 03:44:13 AM »

maybe it's a bit hopeful that you've come to a point where you suddenly have to find a place that feels comfortable to you..  granted, it's not a necessarily pleasant conversion, but you'd probably not rather spend your entire life with yis parents, n'est-ce pas? so why not now
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Debaser
Registered user

Posts: 122


« Reply #12 on: May 26, 2005, 05:55:01 AM »

obviously! i am moving in fall anyway, but the parents thing wasn't really the case. my agenda often goes like i don't know where i wake up each morning and right there i don't know where i will be falling asleep that same evening. that's why home was nice to "know" in that sense, as a sort of weird constant.

But i've been thinking and messing around a lot and at the time of posting i guess there was still a bit of that drugs talking thing.

i realized i'm quite ok like this anyway, i mean, uh, it's my "thing" after all. And as for finding comfort, it's just something i need to keep with me instead.
oh, and quit speed, too.
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Andrew_TSKS
Registered user

Posts: 39426


« Reply #13 on: May 26, 2005, 12:11:23 PM »

Quote from: "Debaser"
But i've been thinking and messing around a lot and at the time of posting i guess there was still a bit of that drugs talking thing.
[...]
oh, and quit speed, too.


i didn't wanna say anything, being the token straight-edge kid and all, but... yeah, i was thinking that.
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I just want to be myself and I want you to love me for who I am.
elpollodiablo
Registered user

Posts: 32624


« Reply #14 on: May 29, 2005, 01:17:56 AM »

Aw, you're not a token.

DB, you could probably ease up on the blach. I can't say I know exactly what you're feeling, but I definitely know what the hollow, numbing ache at the end of a binge is like. Feelings of transience and listlessness are par for the motherfucker, when you party like that.
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think 'on the road.'
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