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657759 Posts in 9259 Topics by 3396 Members Latest Member: - vlozan86 Most online today: 71 - most online ever: 494 (Jul 01, 2007, 02:59:53 PM)
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Author Topic: Favorite jokes  (Read 7547 times)
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clare
Registered user

Posts: 5192


« Reply #50 on: Nov 26, 2008, 01:13:37 AM »

What's red and smells like blue paint?

Red paint!

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot!




What's brown and sticky?

A stick!

Yay, she's back, and with dreadful jokes to boot. I told the stick one to the eight year old, and after guessing "a mud pie", looked blankly at me when I told him the answer, then went "oh..." when he figured it out. So, in the same vein:


What do you call a fly with no wings?

A walk.



And the eight year old responds with:

What do you get if you sit under a cow?

A pat on the head.



And finally:
What do you get if you cross a parrot with a shark?

An animal that talks your head off.
« Last Edit: Nov 26, 2008, 01:34:25 AM by clare » Logged

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alistarr*
Registered user

Posts: 8129


« Reply #51 on: Nov 26, 2008, 06:11:24 AM »

why do firemen wear red braces?

to keep their trousers up, silly.

(i really like "fly with no wings" and will be telling "moon trims hedge" before lunchtime, i'm sure)
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Anne the Man
Registered user

Posts: 4444


« Reply #52 on: Nov 26, 2008, 07:50:55 AM »

What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
Where's my tractor?

What does an elephant do when it rains?
Gets wet!

How do you tell when there's an elephant in your bed?
He's got an 'E' on his pajamas.

A man walks into a bar--ouch.

What's worse then finding a worm in your apple?
The Holocaust.

How do you confuse a blonde?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her



The whale joke is my favourite one to tell. hell, it's probably more fun to tell than it is to hear.

This reminds me of a time when I was sitting about with friends and said "you know what's funny?" and before I had a chance to follow it up we all simultaneously burst out laughing, at nothing. It was pretty great. We spent the evening getting drunk and acting out charades of vegetables.
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Maaik
Registered user

Posts: 15119


« Reply #53 on: Nov 26, 2008, 08:01:19 AM »

One of my all-time favorites, which Aglaya isn't around to tell:

What's red and not there?

...No tomatoes.

Where did she go, anyway? I love this joke, and also your terrible one about the horse.

She's living in Macon with no internet access.  It's been months since I've seen her.  I miss her too.
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Nick Ink
Registered user

Posts: 7018


« Reply #54 on: Nov 27, 2008, 01:10:49 PM »

In the 'jokes for 5 year olds' category again, I'm afraid:

Why was the beach wet?

Because the sea weed.
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clare
Registered user

Posts: 5192


« Reply #55 on: Nov 28, 2008, 05:11:45 AM »

Look, Nick, having been around for a while and having had kids, I find that kid jokes are often the funniest...
The 8 year old got a joke book for his birthday and it's full of clangers, but some beauties:

Why couldn't the skeleton go to the dance?
He had nobody to go with.

Having said that, there is a very good, sexist, racist and tasteless Kinky Friedman joke that is very funny, but I'm crap at telling grown up jokes and can't find it on teh internetzs...

no, wait here it is, only it's not the Kinkstah's version and isn't racist, so probably better all 'round...I found it on some Texan jeep discussion board...

Bubba woke up one morning and said " i feels good, i think i'll go to town." On his way out of the house his brother stopped him and said "wuts wrong, bubba?" Bubba said "nuthins wrong, i feels good." Bubbas brother said "well you looks bad." Bubba thought this was odd, as he felt very good, and couldnt understand why his brother told him he looked bad.

As Bubba was crossing the street his neighbor stopped him to talk and asked "Bubba, you okay? you looks bad?" Babba said" naw, i feels good, maybe i should see the doc."

When Bubba reached town he was increasingly becoming concerned with his current situation, this concern was compounded when he entered the doctors office and the nurse said " Oh Bubba, come right on back, you looks bad, i'll get the doctor immediately."

When the doctor entered the room he asked Bubba "wuts the problem?" Bubba said "well doc, i feels good, but everyone is tellimg me i looks bad." The doctor pulled and extremely large book from the desk and started flipping pages. "Hmmm... looks good, feels good, nope." flips a few pages "oh here, feels bad looks good, no, no." The doctor flips a few more pages and says " Oh, here it is, feels good, looks bad......... uh oh....... says here, you're a vagina."

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Nick
Registered user

Posts: 195


« Reply #56 on: Nov 30, 2008, 03:58:37 PM »

Q: What's brown and rhymes with snoop?

A: DR. DRE!!
It's funny cuz he's a shitty rapper!!!

Quote
Why was the beach wet?

Because the sea weed.
Actually, I think it was the P-Sea-P.
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El_Josharino
Registered user

Posts: 7483


« Reply #57 on: Sep 14, 2011, 10:38:14 PM »

So there's this bird. He's no early bird, that's for sure. He likes to stay out late, partying, dancing, carousing around, nesting up with chickadees and such. Real slacker this bird. So he wakes up one morning, pretty late in the morning, he's had a long night and boy is he hungry. Unfortunately, all those studious early birds have gotten all the worms and any other decent food that might be strewn about. But man, this guy is starving, so he sets out to find something, anything, to eat. A twig, a berry, a seed, anything will do. He flies all over town, through all the major parks and such, and he's got nothing. He lands for a minute on a tomato plant in an elderly man's garden, and suddenly he notices something out of the corner of his eye: A worm! A late morning worm, just barely poking out of the ground! Oh, this is it, this is his feast. Excitedly, he swoops across the garden and in one smooth motion grabs the worm from the ground and ascends into the air. Oh man, he's so excited. He's got the worm tucked away in his beak for safe-keeping until he gets back to his nest at which time he's going to really feast on this worm. He's so excited, and he's cruising along through the air gleefully when all of a sudden he slams into a tree branch! The sudden impact jostles him, and the worm flies out of his beak and plummets 40, maybe even 50 feet to the ground below. Oh shit! That's his feast! He's gotta get that worm back! So he dives down to the ground, and he looks around and around and finally he finds his worm. Thank goodness! So he walks over to the worm and he goes, "Hey man, that was quite a fall, are you okay?" And the worm goes, "I dunno man, I don't think I can walk."
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clare
Registered user

Posts: 5192


« Reply #58 on: Sep 14, 2011, 10:44:28 PM »

 Very Happy

Excellent necro!
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fishjim
Registered user

Posts: 1982


« Reply #59 on: Sep 15, 2011, 01:10:03 AM »

Love it, Josharino.

Here's one from my 4-yr old:

Iris:  Wanna hear a joke?
Me:  OK.
Iris:  How many minutes are in one second?
Me:  Uhhhhhh.
Iris:  NONE!
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reebty
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Posts: 1169


« Reply #60 on: Sep 15, 2011, 05:00:52 AM »

There are these two guys watching a movie about two racehorse trainers. They're both sympathetic characters and their horses Rain King and The Sprawl are the favourites to win the climactic race. One guy says to the other "I'll bet you $10 Rain King will win" and the other guy agrees. Rain King wins in a photo finish. The second guy is just about to pay up when the first guy says "look, I can't take your money. I already saw the movie". "So did I", the second guy replies, "but I didn't fancy Rain King's chances of winning twice in a row".
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reebty
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Posts: 1169


« Reply #61 on: Sep 16, 2011, 12:42:35 AM »

Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines!
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El_Josharino
Registered user

Posts: 7483


« Reply #62 on: Sep 20, 2011, 08:36:36 PM »

So a moth walks into a podiatrist's office. The doctor says, "Hello sir, how can I help you?" The moth sits down and he says, "Oh doc! You have to help me! My life is in shambles! I've got this son, Fernando. He used to be such a good kid, but he's really fallen in with the wrong crowd. He's just finishing high school and has no aspirations for his future whatsoever! He expect me to take care of him his whole life while he's out cavorting around, and I'm just waiting for the day when he turns against me. And then I've got this daughter, Francesca. Doc, I worry about her all the time. She's always angry at me, and I think she's beginning to get sexually active. I try to talk to her, but she won't have any of it. We grow more and more distant every day, and it's tearing me up inside! And then there's my youngest, Todd. Boy, the kid is dumber than a sack of wet mice. He's already repeating the 2nd grade, and I don't know if he's going to make it through this year either. At least he's been a happy and carefree kid up to this point. But lately he's been trying to emulate his older siblings, and I fear the one happy child I have is slipping through my fingers. And then there's my wife. We fight constantly and I hate to say it, but I just don't find her attractive anymore. I lie down in bed with her every night, and I'm just repulsed by her very presence. I have a handgun in the dresser with one bullet in it, and doc, I swear that every night I get closer and closer to using that bullet. Doc, you've gotta help me, I can't take it anymore!"
The doctor is understandably dumbfounded at this point, and says to the moth, "Well sir, this is all very troubling and I certainly understand your frustration, but you realize I'm a podiatrist, right? Why don't you go to a psychiatrist with this? Why did you come to me?"
And the moth says, "Well the light was on."
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coldforge
Registered user

Posts: 11924


« Reply #63 on: Sep 21, 2011, 01:41:04 AM »

An old Jewish woman goes to her doctor. He says, 'There's nothing physically wrong with you. You just need to be having sex more often. I recommend you have it 8 to 10 times a week. That's all you need.'

The woman goes home and tells her husband the doctor's recommendation. He says, 'Put me down for 2.'
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č l'era del terzo mondo.
cool banana
Registered user

Posts: 1907


« Reply #64 on: Sep 21, 2011, 06:16:01 AM »

Quote
Here's one from my 4-yr old:

Your four year old wasn't born when Greg started this thread, no joke.
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She's like, so whatever
reebty
Registered user

Posts: 1169


« Reply #65 on: Sep 21, 2011, 07:50:16 AM »

Rob Pattinson walked into a bar...while I was swinging it.

A woman walks into a bar and orders a double entendre. The bartender gives her one.
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clare
Registered user

Posts: 5192


« Reply #66 on: Sep 21, 2011, 08:14:38 AM »

So a moth walks into a podiatrist's office....

Josh, I don't often actually laugh out loud at stuff I read on the internet. Except this. Thank you.
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El_Josharino
Registered user

Posts: 7483


« Reply #67 on: Sep 21, 2011, 04:21:15 PM »

I'm not sure if you're referring to the whole joke or just that first line, but whenever I tell that joke in person, the audience pretty much dies after just hearing "So a moth walks into a podiatrist's office."
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El_Josharino
Registered user

Posts: 7483


« Reply #68 on: Sep 21, 2011, 04:21:53 PM »

Either way, glad to be of service.
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Hey sexy mama, wanna kill all humans?
El_Josharino
Registered user

Posts: 7483


« Reply #69 on: Sep 21, 2011, 05:04:10 PM »

So an infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders 1/4th of a beer. The next orders 1/8th of a beer. The next orders 1/16th of a beer. The bartender says "You guys are idiots" and pours two beers.
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Hey sexy mama, wanna kill all humans?
fishjim
Registered user

Posts: 1982


« Reply #70 on: Sep 21, 2011, 07:40:18 PM »

Bacteria walks into a bar.

Bartender says, "We don't serve bacteria here."

Bacteria says, "But I'm staph!"
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reebty
Registered user

Posts: 1169


« Reply #71 on: Sep 22, 2011, 12:19:44 AM »

Q: What do you call a fly with its wings cut off?

A: A walk.
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clare
Registered user

Posts: 5192


« Reply #72 on: Sep 22, 2011, 07:18:32 AM »

Josh, it was the whole thing that got me. Also the mathematicians joke. I'm easily amused.
reebty, for the longest time the fly joke was my favourite. I still remember who told it, and where I was (Upstairs in the union outside the coffeeshop that is now called Pajenka's or something, but was then called Calypso. His name was Marcus) I laughed so much I could hardly walk.
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reebty
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Posts: 1169


« Reply #73 on: Sep 22, 2011, 01:17:47 PM »

A friend of mine told me the fly joke when I was 10 or 11. My reaction was similar.
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Good Intentions
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Posts: 13882


« Reply #74 on: Sep 22, 2011, 06:33:41 PM »

Q: How many sub-editors does it take to
change a light bulb?
A: Too.
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