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658126 Posts in 9262 Topics by 3396 Members Latest Member: - vlozan86 Most online today: 43 - most online ever: 494 (Jul 01, 2007, 02:59:53 PM)
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Author Topic: "friends with benefits"  (Read 15919 times)
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cold before sunrise
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Posts: 2500


« Reply #25 on: Oct 04, 2005, 01:44:19 PM »

it doesn't sound comfortable or fulfilling or any of the possibilties you might be hoping for... letting your relationship become a bad habit.
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Riding a tidal wave of whiskey on a surfboard made out of don't care.
Greg Nog
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Posts: 21629


« Reply #26 on: Oct 04, 2005, 01:44:29 PM »

Quote from: "DCDave"
I think that Stephanie has said they are not sleeping with each other anymore on purpose already, but want to remain good friends.


Well, yeah, okay, if they're not sleeping together, then by all means, remain friends.  But for the love of god, stay out of the guy's crotchal region.
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dieblucasdie
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Posts: 24493


« Reply #27 on: Oct 04, 2005, 01:45:32 PM »

Yeah, this is gonna get worse before it gets better.  End it now.  Call him RIGHT NOW.
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he was basically your only chance at making the world love you.
DCDave
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Posts: 10387


« Reply #28 on: Oct 04, 2005, 01:45:47 PM »

Quote from: "Greg Nog"
Quote from: "DCDave"
I think that Stephanie has said they are not sleeping with each other anymore on purpose already, but want to remain good friends.


Well, yeah, okay, if they're not sleeping together, then by all means, remain friends.  But for the love of god, stay out of the guy's crotchal region.


Well, there's always the "Oops I slipped and accidentally fell in your vagina"
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But what the fuck do I know, I have a penis.
dieblucasdie
Registered user

Posts: 24493


« Reply #29 on: Oct 04, 2005, 01:49:18 PM »

Oh, in that case, yes you can remain friends, but only with time and effort and uncomfortableness, so you gotta decide if that's worth it.  I would recommend not spending any time ALONE with him for a while at least, lest you fall back on your sinful ways.
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he was basically your only chance at making the world love you.
DCDave
Registered user

Posts: 10387


« Reply #30 on: Oct 04, 2005, 01:50:43 PM »

Or, if you do fall back on your sinful ways, laugh about it.

Seriously, I feel like this is a convent.
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But what the fuck do I know, I have a penis.
Greg Nog
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Posts: 21629


« Reply #31 on: Oct 04, 2005, 01:51:32 PM »

Seriously, I feel like helping someone with their infidelity is immoral.
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DCDave
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Posts: 10387


« Reply #32 on: Oct 04, 2005, 01:53:03 PM »

I forgot where Stephanie said her friend was married. Or where she elaborated on the relationship that her friend and his "girlfriend" have.
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Greg Nog
Registered user

Posts: 21629


« Reply #33 on: Oct 04, 2005, 01:55:04 PM »

Quote from: "stephanie"
Quote from: "Greg Nog"
Does the "someone else" know about you two?  Is he/she okay with you two "benefiting"?

Kind of, and noooooooooooooo.


That's the most she elaborated.  That's enough for me.
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DCDave
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Posts: 10387


« Reply #34 on: Oct 04, 2005, 01:59:50 PM »

Quote from: "Greg Nog"
Quote from: "stephanie"
Quote from: "Greg Nog"
Does the "someone else" know about you two?  Is he/she okay with you two "benefiting"?

Kind of, and noooooooooooooo.


That's the most she elaborated.  That's enough for me.


That kind of makes me want Stephanie to keep sleeping with him just so other girl gets it through her thick skull that this dude is not quite seeing their relationship the same way she is and calls it off.
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Greg Nog
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Posts: 21629


« Reply #35 on: Oct 04, 2005, 02:08:16 PM »

Dave, did the "other girl" kill your parents or poison your breakfast cereal or something?  What the fuck did she ever do to you that you're so happy see her relationship get stomped on?

If the young man has any sense of basic human decency, he will either choose one person to be with, or he will make it perfectly clear to all parties that monogamy's not his thing, and that he's actively sexing other people.
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heather
Guest
« Reply #36 on: Oct 04, 2005, 02:25:17 PM »

for the first time (i think) ever, i have no real idea who this boy is. but if it's boy-who-called-you-when-we-were-sitting-on-the-sidewalk-outside-the-empty-bottle-that-one-time... everything should be fine. stay the course, and all that. but beware krazor lady-friends. okay? i'm too broke to fly out to _____ and stab some faces.
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FreddyKnuckles
Registered user

Posts: 11705


« Reply #37 on: Oct 04, 2005, 02:26:50 PM »

I've decided that DCDAVE IS THE OTHER WOMAN.
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Quote from: Heathcote
I'm in with Greg Nog, IT'S FUCKING FAFFLE TIME!
Greg Nog
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Posts: 21629


« Reply #38 on: Oct 04, 2005, 02:29:19 PM »

What a twist!  'S like an O'Henry story all up in this piece.
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DCDave
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Posts: 10387


« Reply #39 on: Oct 04, 2005, 02:31:52 PM »

Quote from: "Greg Nog"
Dave, did the "other girl" kill your parents or poison your breakfast cereal or something?  What the fuck did she ever do to you that you're so happy see her relationship get stomped on?

If the young man has any sense of basic human decency, he will either choose one person to be with, or he will make it perfectly clear to all parties that monogamy's not his thing, and that he's actively sexing other people.


Dude, I see it as the opposite of her relationship getting stomped on. She is clearly in a relationship mismatch of expectations v. reality and should get out. Expectations v. reality is the worst possible thing to be wrong in a relationship, in my opinion. Either you're on the same page or you're not, and if she knows about Stephanie and has a problem with it, then she should get out of the relationship rather than trying to change the other person.

Edit: Carve me out of green rock, yo, cuz I'm jaded.
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jebreject
Registered user

Posts: 27071


« Reply #40 on: Oct 04, 2005, 02:36:57 PM »

Quote from: "DCDave"
That kind of makes me want Stephanie to keep sleeping with him just so other girl gets it through her thick skull that this dude is not quite seeing their relationship the same way she is and calls it off.


I kind of agree with this.

Quote from: "Greg Nog"
If the young man has any sense of basic human decency, he will either choose one person to be with, or he will make it perfectly clear to all parties that monogamy's not his thing, and that he's actively sexing other people.


And I definitely agree with this, because really, that's the issue.  Monogamy is fine and dandy for those of us who are wired that way, but not everyone is wired that way.  Some people just can't do that monogamy thing, and THAT'S FINE, so long as they're honest about it.  Sometimes it's that people just aren't emotionally mature enough to handle a committed relationship, but just as often it's that monogamy just ain't everyone's bag. I would say the maturity aspect comes into it, though, if dude hasn't told his girlfriend that he's just not capable of being monogamous at this point in time, with her, etc.  If he has told her, then this girl is either harboring serious delusions about the relationship and whether or not she can "make" dude go monogamous, or simply thinks she's okay with it but really she's not (which is similar to the "serious delusions" thing, but not quite as bad and off-the-deep-end).  I don't know this situation, AT ALL, so I'm going to reserve judgement.  

And this will probably make me come off sounding like a complete asshole, but infidelity isn't the worst thing in the world.  I know we all like to think it is, but really, it's not.  That's not to say that I've ever cheated on anyone and I can't say that I ever would--but there are worse lies to be telling and worse secrets to be keeping.
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jebreject
Registered user

Posts: 27071


« Reply #41 on: Oct 04, 2005, 02:37:55 PM »

Quote from: "DCDave"
Dude, I see it as the opposite of her relationship getting stomped on. She is clearly in a relationship mismatch of expectations v. reality and should get out. Expectations v. reality is the worst possible thing to be wrong in a relationship, in my opinion. Either you're on the same page or you're not, and if she knows about Stephanie and has a problem with it, then she should get out of the relationship rather than trying to change the other person.


Went from "kind of" agreeing to agreeing 100%.
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stephanie
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Posts: 1913


« Reply #42 on: Oct 04, 2005, 02:39:27 PM »

Quote from: "DCDave"
Dude, I see it as the opposite of her relationship getting stomped on. She is clearly in a relationship mismatch of expectations v. reality and should get out. Expectations v. reality is the worst possible thing to be wrong in a relationship, in my opinion. Either you're on the same page or you're not, and if she knows about Stephanie and has a problem with it, then she should get out of the relationship rather than trying to change the other person.


Shit, I've never met anyone who feels the exact same way that I do about this.  So.  Nice to meet you, Dave!  Long have I been expected to take responsibility for other people's relationships (i.e. put a single-handed stop to the boy who is prone to cheating on his partner from cheating on his partner with me); only once have I succeeded.  It's a weird thing to have people who treat me like I'm 5 years old expecting me to magically make their boyfriend not want to sleep with everything that moves.

Quote from: "Greg Nog"
If the young man has any sense of basic human decency, he will either choose one person to be with, or he will make it perfectly clear to all parties that monogamy's not his thing, and that he's actively sexing other people.


Oh, it's perfectly clear that monogamy's not his thing.  I just think it's either a case of "out of sight, (mostly) out of mind (usually)" or wanting something to change/thinking something has changed that's not really going to change.

But.

This has very quickly taken a turn that makes me feel super-super-icky (moralization and resultant desperate attempts at "you don't know!  you just have to be there!" justification never turn out to be anything but ugly, as both sides are hopelessly biased), and while it may be far from me to insist on pulling it back OT:  sleeping with someone you like who likes you is not a bad thing if you harbour no delusions or expectations.  Right.
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Greg Nog
Registered user

Posts: 21629


« Reply #43 on: Oct 04, 2005, 02:42:01 PM »

Look, we can certainly agree that if the other girl knows about stephanie and does not like the situation, then she's retarded for staying with the guy.  But that's less of an issue, as that girl didn't waltz onto these forums asking for advice relating to her love life.  If she had, I would tell her to get out and stop being such a moron.

stephanie, however, did ask for advice, and I'm giving it:  she needs to stop this, because by enjoying this young man while he's committed to another woman, she's actively hurting another human being, and I see that as "bad".  

Now, if I've misunderstood, and the man and the girlfriend aren't in relationship which is mutually understood to be monogamous, then stephanie can go right on humping him.  But the evidence so far seems to be pointing to the contrary.  In which case I say:  BREAK IT THE HELL OFF.
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Greg Nog
Registered user

Posts: 21629


« Reply #44 on: Oct 04, 2005, 02:44:39 PM »

Quote from: "stephanie"
Oh, it's perfectly clear that monogamy's not his thing.  I just think it's either a case of "out of sight, (mostly) out of mind (usually)" or wanting something to change/thinking something has changed that's not really going to change.


Wait.  So -- sorry, just want to be clear on this -- he's told his girlfriend, "Hi, I'm sleeping with other people?"
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FreddyKnuckles
Registered user

Posts: 11705


« Reply #45 on: Oct 04, 2005, 02:44:58 PM »

I think that the mr is a rock star
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Quote from: Heathcote
I'm in with Greg Nog, IT'S FUCKING FAFFLE TIME!
DCDave
Registered user

Posts: 10387


« Reply #46 on: Oct 04, 2005, 02:45:09 PM »

Quote from: "stephanie"

Shit, I've never met anyone who feels the exact same way that I do about this.  So.  Nice to meet you, Dave!  Long have I been expected to take responsibility for other people's relationships (i.e. put a single-handed stop to the boy who is prone to cheating on his partner from cheating on his partner with me); only once have I succeeded.  It's a weird thing to have people who treat me like I'm 5 years old expecting me to magically make their boyfriend not want to sleep with everything that moves.


Haha! Nice to meet you too!
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But what the fuck do I know, I have a penis.
stephanie
Registered user

Posts: 1913


« Reply #47 on: Oct 04, 2005, 02:46:59 PM »

Quote from: "Greg Nog"
stephanie, however, did ask for advice, and I'm giving it:  she needs to stop this, because by enjoying this young man while he's committed to another woman, she's actively hurting another human being, and I see that as "bad".


Well, see, I didn't ask for advice, exactly.  More like, I wanted to know whether or not anyone had successfully made the transition from friends to more-than-friends back to friends without any heads spontaneously exploding in the process.

I'm a big girl; I understand the decisions I make and their ramifications.  I don't want to be talked down to for entering into a situation that most people think is "bad" as though I don't know it's "bad," nor do I believe it should be 100% on my shoulders to end the interaction, as I'm not the one with the commitment, and I don't like being held completely responsible for other people's bad decisions.  In this case, it isn't (most other similar situations, it's very much been that way).  It's already been discussed; we've already agreed that this needs to stop happening.
I'm just looking for tricks to make the transition back into Friendshipland to go as smoothly as possible.

The end.
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FreddyKnuckles
Registered user

Posts: 11705


« Reply #48 on: Oct 04, 2005, 02:48:53 PM »

everytime he tries to put the moves on you, just tell him you're on the rag, even when you aren't.
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Quote from: Heathcote
I'm in with Greg Nog, IT'S FUCKING FAFFLE TIME!
stephanie
Registered user

Posts: 1913


« Reply #49 on: Oct 04, 2005, 02:49:21 PM »

Quote from: "FreddyKnuckles"
I think that the mr is a rock star


Psh.  Is there an icon for wishful thinking?  If so, please insert that icon here.  In lieu of that:  >Sad

ETA:

Quote from: "FreddyKnuckles"
everytime he tries to put the moves on you, just tell him you're on the rag, even when you aren't.


I just wanted to say that this made me spit coffee all over my computer monitor.  Ta!
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