Do I really believe all that? No, of course not, except for the parts about bald eagles being seriously righteous birds and Load Records being completely on fire right now. (They’ve got Lightning Bolt, for God’s sake; is there anybody, anywhere, who can hear Lightning Bolt and not feel blessed to be alive? And if you haven’t heard the new Lightning Bolt record yet - well, what the hell are you waiting for, an engraved invitation? Load Records, may they live to be a thousand, is presiding at the wedding of Ohio/NY action-painter-art-rock and pure doom metal, and as far as I’m concerned they can as of this moment do no wrong.) Mike Maroth isn’t “paying for” anything, except maybe his team’s .214 batting average. The Boston Red Sox are not “destined” to succeed or fail, depending on your perspective. The Cubs are not “setting everybody up for unspeakable disappointment, because they are sadists who delight in the pain of others,” even though scientific evidence does seem to point in that direction.

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